When people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. - Marilyn Monroe

I truly believe an obstacle to weight loss is emotional issues. The weight is representative of emotional baggage and sometimes is a protector around you so you wont let the pain get to you.

 There are times when I feel like the most confident girl in the world- I can look into that mirror and say "Hey- you look amazing today!!".  Then there are other times that I feel the exact opposite.  Down, frumpy, you know, all those old messages of self-loathing, low self worth and esteem come creeping back in. 

As many of you know I am a single girl.  Have been my whole life.  I have made some very poor choices in relationships and I believe that is directly related to my very low self esteem which was driven by my weight.  When I was in high school, it was the worst as it is with many of us. I felt fat, unattractive and I had people who wanted to tell me this all the time too so I believed it.  The first guy who came along was 7 years my senior when I was only 15 and of course I jumped right into a full blown mess because I thought that no one would ever want me and I was lucky that this opportunity arises.  Its sad when I think about it now.  This relationship was physically abusive to the point of if I didnt get away I might die.  It was also mentally and verbally abusive.  He used to call me a name every single day that for the life of me I can't remember.  I feel like I must have blocked it out of my memory.  Once that was finally over for good, I did not get involved in another relationship until I was 23-24 years old.  I was in that one for 5 years with a man 30+ years my senior.  Emotionally unavailable, alcoholic who was abusive mentally and verbally.  But again I think deep down I thought well I am fat and unattractive who else would want me.  And then I try to maintain these toxic relationships with stubborn refusal to give up on them and hope that they change.  UGH!  I had small encounters after that but nothing substantial.  I had a small relationship with another alcoholic after that but he was closer to my age but it ended up being just as bad as the first two.  After that I decided that I was not meant to be involved in a relationship.  I wasnt good enough, attractive enough and privileged enough.  So, I went about the business of existing rather than living.  I had a daughter to keep me plenty busy with all her activities so that is where my life went. 

Since that time of my life, any relationship or encounter has been with someone who is unavailable to me emotionally, and I feel like I know now the reason I do this is because the rejection is upfront- there is nothing to wonder about because you know the end result before it happens.  The reason I am sharing this with you is that emotional baggage has to be resolved in order for weight loss to be permanent. 

So, sometimes I think like many do- well if I were thinner, prettier, etc.  I would be in a loving relationship.  But I have come to realize on this journey that this is not the case.  I still say to myself sometimes- I thought someone would have been interested in me by now but I know that it has so much more to do with how I view myself and the worth I feel about myself.  I have to feel like I deserve to have a loving relationship. My appearance and weight have nothing to do with it, and that being healthy and fit are for ME not for someone else.  That I am good enough.  And as I continue this journey everyday I have to tell myself that I am.  I am getting there.  It is a slow process some days and I have current issues I am working out BUT I am light years ahead of that 15 year old girl who didnt know any better.

I read an article on Yahoo!  That really made me think this week and I will post it here for you.  11-things-every-girl-should-hold-out-for.  I will list the 11 things but read the article-its really true!

1. A guy who can make you laugh.

2. A guy who will laugh at your jokes and "get" you.

3. A guy who will attend your lame "things."
4. A guy who will do nothing with you.

5. A guy who will give you a thoughtful gift or card.
6. A guy who will say he loves you.
7. A guy you respect.
8. A guy you have good chemistry with.
9. A guy who agrees with you about travel.

10. A guy with similar family goals.
11. "Wait for someone who sees you the way you want to be seen.

 

I am by no means all the way there.  Like Dr. Phil says there have been things in my life that have changed who I am BUT everyday and with every pound and every small victory my self worth becomes more evident.  The only sad thing is that it took me until I am almost 40 years old to even begin to understand it.   I am worth these 11 things for sure!!! :)

 

Ok now on to the Biggest Loser- I cried more than I have in a LONG time last night!  It was so great to see all of the contestants back and running in a full MARATHON!!  I blog a lot about my experiences out on a 5k that is equal to 3.2 miles but a marathon seems so far away in my future; I mean that is 26.2 miles!!!  But it is a bucket list item I wish to do in my lifetime.  Seeing the progress of the contestants weight loss over the course of this season and then watching the finalists watch their self made video of themselves when they first began their journey at their beginning weight telling their future thinner and healthier selves why they dont ever want to go back to what they see on the screen is so heartfelt and you cant help but relate to that on every level if you have been there and if you are on the journey- I felt every moment of the show last night and I am ready for the finale next week!!  I was cheering for my fave Jennifer Rumple and also for Courtney Rainville.  They both have made such strides and dramatic changes and their inspiration helps me along the way almost everyday.

 

I was also inspired this week by Ali Vincent's show where she competed in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon and I am posting a link to that page here for you.  A great show and boy if someday I could do something like that I think my life would be complete!!  Check it out!!  Malibu Triathlon

 

Positive message of all types are so beneficial when you are working on your self- be it your weight, your mental well being or everything overall.  Whatever your personal views on religion are this is only my opinion- Joel Osteen has a positive message and his show this week talked about being Passionate About Life.  Gather inspiration and motivation from wherever you can to keep going and keep your mind focused on your goals and what is truly important in life.  Staying Passionate About Life

 

So this week has been filled with Christmas Cards, cooking, scrapbooking, Facebooking, helping my mom and of course JAZZERCISE.  I am slowly but surely making my way to that t-shirt and my 150 classes for the year.  I was reenergizing my knowledge of Italian by writing cousins in Italy Christmas cards and let me tell you its been too long but it all started to come back to me. 

 

Well all, enjoy the Christmas season, I am truly blessed to be able to share my thoughts and my journey with you.  Until next week.  Take Care and remember motivation and inspiration come from within and from outside too!!