Happy Birthday to me then Sad and Frustrating Setbacks

Happy 39th Birthday to Me :)

 

 

Well folks, its been a long week or so since I last blogged.  Monday I celebrated my 39th birthday.  Where does the time go?  I don't feel as though I am 39 but alas its true...  I am trying to be positive about it but somehow I just feel well... old.  My present to myself was to get my personal property taxes paid and get my car tags- Mission Accomplished but next time note to self- do not go to the courthouse or the DMV on a Monday!!!  The Courthouse is located in the historic Independence Square so after waiting forever to pay the taxes I wanted to treat myself to some lunch.  I ended up at the best place- one I had visited before.  It was a beautiful 67 degree day with the sun shining and I went to eat on the patio at the Cafe Verona.  I had the absolute best service I have had anywhere in a very long time there.  My server Jake was amazing- I had a fabulous "fufu" lunch and a decadent dessert and made my way to the DMV.  Cafe Verona-Independence, Missouri

Then while in the wild blue yonder of Independence I decided I would make a stop at the mall.  I went to Old Navy for the very first time and tried on capri pants.  The largest size in the store they carry is 18 and guess who fits into the size 18???  One guess- yeah that would be me!!  WOO HOO!!  It was fun trying on clothes.  Right now it is difficult for me to justify buying new clothes.  I used to be a clothes horse with fine expensive clothes from Lane Bryant, Catherine's, Fashion Bug, etc. Now that my size continues to change, I just cannot bring myself to spend money on clothes to give a way in a few months.  So, I did buy two pair of capris and two blouses that were on clearance for $3.00!  and they were a large size 12/14.  Me, in anything that resembles these numbers 18, 12/14 is UNBELIEVABLE but also exciting.  Here I am modeling the new outfits at my friend Terisa's house after my shopping excursion!

Me on My 39th Birthday Size 18 pants and Size 12/14 top

Ditto LOL!

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was the day I planned to celebrate my birthday so I went to a Tailgate Party at a Kansas City Royals game with people I work with and it was a lot of fun.  I came prepared with my Jose Cuervo "Light" Margaritas and they were quite yummy!  I went shopping and purchased a few good food items to be grilled and of course the Cuervo and I was ready to go!  I had bought my ticket for the game online and what I saw of it was good but I was more interested in hanging out with everyone at the tailgate party. I had a lot of fun!

Me holding my friend Teresa's son Lucas

Me and my Co-workers and Friends Traci and Matt

Me and my friends Alicia and Teresa

Me and Co-Workers Tailgating and having a blast at the Royals Game!  I put this one in so you can see that I now have a shape!!  I love this pic!

Well now on to the Sad part... well I had an interest in someone and a friend of mine advised me that "that ship is not coming to harbor" which I kind of gathered but you know it is still not easy to hear.  Ok, I have a few problems with the whole dating thing.  First and probably the biggest roadblock to this for me is- I was a young mother at the age of 16 so I had never dated and to date I have still yet to actually go on a date.  I was very overweight and poured myself into my daughter's activities, school, etc.  So I have been pretty sheltered.  If I wasn't working 7 days a week to provide a private school education as a single parent I was at home which even if I had looked good then would not have provided me many opportunities to meet men. Basically as my friends tell me I have "no game".  Having "Fat Girl Syndrome" is tough because now I feel so great physically and everyone who knows me knows that I have been hard at work not only to develop my body and health but also to develop my self-esteem, learning self-acceptance.  With that being said I feel as though I look good, I am independent, free of children, smart, funny and I am socially capable of carrying myself in any situation.  So, I should be getting offers to go out, to go on an actual date, right?  I am frustrated that this isn't the case.  I mean I have had the pleasure of a few flirtations but nothing that actually comes to fruition.  When my friend told me that the person I had an interest in had no interest in me that was hard but then when the object of your interest also tells you many endearing qualities about another man that I could be interested in, well the ego took a hard blow.  After that I was ready to call it a night and go home.  My first instinct was to cry like I always do just because it hurt my feelings a little to try and be pawned off on someone else who is a nice guy but definitely not my type and if I were to settle for someone who I am not attracted to then I will have made no progress in who I am becoming. I did almost cry and head for the couch and the alcohol, but I was strong and refrained. 

Today all day I have been down, and not necessarily because the person I had a crush on isn't interested but because I feel as though I am changing physically and emotionally so how come no one of the male gender is asking me out or noticing me so that I am not so crushed by a little rejection from one person?  My main social outlet is work and everyone knows that finding a person at work is probably not the best idea.  I have tried an online dating site once but since I find rejection difficult from people I know, taking rejection from other poor souls searching for someone on the internet even more insulting.  I just cannot bring myself to do the online thing.  Honestly, I put myself out there on one of those sites and never got even one response/inquiry.  I decided to pay for rejection over the internet is an all time low that I do not care to revisit. 

I decided to lift my spirits I had better exercise and get out today.  I met with my friend Terisa at the park and walked 3 miles then later in the day I went to my Jazzercise class for two hours.  Here is where more frustration keeps creeping in.  I get very mad at myself that I cannot move around, get up off the floor and get down onto the floor, etc. with any better ease than I what I am able to do right now.  I feel as though I have lost nearly 100 pounds and my physical ability should be increasing.  Then to top it all off my knees continue to swell from overexertion.  I stay off of them for three days and still they are having a fit and swollen.  I still went anyway.  I am at my wits end with my knees and their swelling.  I can't get to goal if I have to continue to take so much time off for the swelling to go away.  If I am not moving I am not losing.  I can't and WON'T have it!  So, instead of a pick me up, exercising today just left me feeling more angry and depressed with myself. 

I hope that next week I can blog about happier things.  I am grateful that I have good friends and cousins who love me and are so supportive of me on a daily basis.  Learning to accept that I am still limited by my size not just physically but emotionally has been one of my toughest assignments on this journey.  I have a long way to go yet.  Have a great week everyone!  Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Accomplishments and Cassette Tapes

This week has definitely been about accomplishments big and small.  Its about having the confidence to pull yourself up by the "boot straps", climb into that saddle and do what you have never done before or thought you could do.  The result can be amazing!   It can mean the difference between being in for the ride of your life or sitting on the sidelines and wondering "what if".  I used to always sit and say I wish or what if but now my life is beginning at the dusk of my 38th year on this planet.  Its like Lisa Delaney said in her book "Secrets of a Former Fat Girl", Happiness lives in the Uncomfortable Zone.  I am finding there is truth in that statement. 

I lost two more pounds last week after a three week plateau.  I feel as though my weigh in this week on Wednesday should be good too.  Wish me lots of luck!!  Tuesday is really my last chance workout day a la Biggest Loser.  So tomorrow I will be walking, ballet and boxing.  I am so ready to move on to the next level physically.  I also suffered a little setback this past week.  When I was in my boxing class, I got frustrated that my body is still limited.  Even though I have lost 90 pounds and feel as though the world is mine to conquer, I still have physical limitations as a 200+ pound person.  Mentally I want to do so much more than my physical body will allow just yet.  Patience, Patience, Patience.....

 I walked with my friends Terisa and Jequia from work at the Mother's Day 5K and that was the first time at this event for me.  I really liked it.  I am following a new blog by a woman who has also been through the weight loss journey and now she runs in marathons.  She has a wall fixture that she is hanging medals from her events on that she has displayed on the blog.  At the Mother's Day walk they gave everyone a necklace with a flower charm on it.  I am wearing it proudly as it is my first "medal" and now I want my own medal showcase.  I finished this race in my very best time ever!!!  I completed it in 49.05.  My goal for the last three races were to finish a 5k in less than 50 minutes and now I finally did it!  I paced at a 15.48 minute mile! my Mother's Day 5K-Overland Park-2011 - Overall Results 5K--Searchable Format results    Incredible when I think about it now.  Last year when I participated in the Broadway Bridge 5k event I had a friend at the finish line, this year for the same event, there were lots of people at the finish line and that was so awesome.  For the Mothers Day race I was alone to celebrate my victory but anxiously awaiting the victory of completion for my friends when they crossed the finish.  Sometimes you have to savor the victory as a personal private moment- my "medal" is my reminder of that!   

Before the race ready to go!!

Striking a pose as always!

                                                     

  

Terisa and Jequia crossing the finish line!

                                    
I feel like overcoming obstacles goes hand in hand with accomplishment!  Getting rid of negative images and thoughts and feeling self worth are now a big part of my journey.  I have lived in the past for a very long time and have replayed a lot of negative thoughts and hurtful words said by others in my head.  Wallowing in self pity and truly just existing.  Think about it... negative words are more hurtful that physical pain and can last for so much longer.  But now I see its if you allow them to.  Sometimes you have to remove yourself from those situations in order to heal and grow.  Like a tired old cassette tape its time to get reprogrammed with 21st Century technology. 

Good Old Cassette Tapes!

Its funny but when I started walking when I weighed over 300 lbs., I used a cassette walkman to walk with!!!  I have a box full of awesome old "hair bands" on cassette that are now relics.  Young children and babies being born now will not even know what a cassette is!  My friend Terisa bought me an MP3 player last year and it was the absolute very best gift I have ever received and it accompanies me on every walk and every race to date.  Too bad you cant upload those cassettes to the MP3!!!  But like many other things, some things are best left to the past. 

Well, I am off to enjoy my days off.  I am looking forward to new experiences that bring much happiness, pleasure and excitement to my life.  It is the only life you get so time to live it now.  I have been sheltered for way too long.  I am excited to share my days off with friends and family this week.  I have cousins in town that I hope to see tomorrow and cousins here in town I havent seen for over a year.  Friends that want to have lunch and other friends who want to get together for crab legs. Have a wonderful week!  The Journey Continues... :)

"We must live as we think, otherwise we shall end up by thinking as we have lived."
– Paul Bourget

Updates and More

Well, I am on my Tuesday mission of exercise- I started out my morning at Jazzercise and did the regular hour class and followed that with Ballet Body.  Sad that there are only two more Ballet Body classes then its over. :(  Oh well I will fill that time with something new to push my weight loss forward :)  This coming Saturday I will be attending a Grand Opening showcase at Jazzercise that is an open house to get new members and show people what we are all about.  A different class each hour for 4 hours.  I cant wait and it should be lots of fun!

I got some exciting news from work.  I was told that the Corporate Office would be contacting me to feature my weight loss story in an edition of our Corporate newsletter!!!! I am so excited about this!!!  I love sharing my ongoing story as a work in progress and  I am thrilled whenever my picture being in print is involved LOL !!

A couple of weeks ago I had gone to visit my cousin Yoli and her sister in law who is in the beginning stages of motivating her own weight loss journey to share my story.  I was so happy to be able to do so and that they thought of me to come and share it!  Thanks Yoli!  I also saw my cousin Lisa and my Aunt Sandra at my job this weekend too and Lisa shared with me how she and some of my other cousins are walking together and how inspired they are by what I am doing.  I could not be more proud of them and happy for their dedication to start the journey!

This Sunday on Mothers Day as I make it through my first one without the company of my mother or my daughter, I will be walking in a Mother's Day 5k out at Corporate Woods in Overland Park, Kansas with my good friend Terisa.  I am excited to participate in yet another walk activity.  These are always a fun time! http://mothersdayrun.com/ I will have new pics to post from that walk. 

Whatever you are doing, make sure to do something fabulous for your body today!  My next stop is a walk in the park and tonight Boxing and Biggest Loser!  Take care and have a great week!

Walking for Omi

Its amazing the things that can bring old friends together.  Dusty Blegstad, an old friend from my band days and his wife Heather have a son named Omi.  He was born very premature because Heather had preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome.  Omi was born weighing only 1 pound and 11 ounces.  His mom organized a team and we all walked in the March of Dimes walk on May 1st in support of their son.  Omi is a trooper and doing great!  I wasn't alone joining them to walk, they had many of Omi's nurses and family there also my great friend also from my band days Melinda and her kids came all the way from Buckner to walk with us too.  It is so awesome to think that these people have been my friends for over 20 years.  Here are some pics from that day.  More to blog later.