Happy Birthday to me then Sad and Frustrating Setbacks

Happy 39th Birthday to Me :)

 

 

Well folks, its been a long week or so since I last blogged.  Monday I celebrated my 39th birthday.  Where does the time go?  I don't feel as though I am 39 but alas its true...  I am trying to be positive about it but somehow I just feel well... old.  My present to myself was to get my personal property taxes paid and get my car tags- Mission Accomplished but next time note to self- do not go to the courthouse or the DMV on a Monday!!!  The Courthouse is located in the historic Independence Square so after waiting forever to pay the taxes I wanted to treat myself to some lunch.  I ended up at the best place- one I had visited before.  It was a beautiful 67 degree day with the sun shining and I went to eat on the patio at the Cafe Verona.  I had the absolute best service I have had anywhere in a very long time there.  My server Jake was amazing- I had a fabulous "fufu" lunch and a decadent dessert and made my way to the DMV.  Cafe Verona-Independence, Missouri

Then while in the wild blue yonder of Independence I decided I would make a stop at the mall.  I went to Old Navy for the very first time and tried on capri pants.  The largest size in the store they carry is 18 and guess who fits into the size 18???  One guess- yeah that would be me!!  WOO HOO!!  It was fun trying on clothes.  Right now it is difficult for me to justify buying new clothes.  I used to be a clothes horse with fine expensive clothes from Lane Bryant, Catherine's, Fashion Bug, etc. Now that my size continues to change, I just cannot bring myself to spend money on clothes to give a way in a few months.  So, I did buy two pair of capris and two blouses that were on clearance for $3.00!  and they were a large size 12/14.  Me, in anything that resembles these numbers 18, 12/14 is UNBELIEVABLE but also exciting.  Here I am modeling the new outfits at my friend Terisa's house after my shopping excursion!

Me on My 39th Birthday Size 18 pants and Size 12/14 top

Ditto LOL!

 

 

 

 

Yesterday was the day I planned to celebrate my birthday so I went to a Tailgate Party at a Kansas City Royals game with people I work with and it was a lot of fun.  I came prepared with my Jose Cuervo "Light" Margaritas and they were quite yummy!  I went shopping and purchased a few good food items to be grilled and of course the Cuervo and I was ready to go!  I had bought my ticket for the game online and what I saw of it was good but I was more interested in hanging out with everyone at the tailgate party. I had a lot of fun!

Me holding my friend Teresa's son Lucas

Me and my Co-workers and Friends Traci and Matt

Me and my friends Alicia and Teresa

Me and Co-Workers Tailgating and having a blast at the Royals Game!  I put this one in so you can see that I now have a shape!!  I love this pic!

Well now on to the Sad part... well I had an interest in someone and a friend of mine advised me that "that ship is not coming to harbor" which I kind of gathered but you know it is still not easy to hear.  Ok, I have a few problems with the whole dating thing.  First and probably the biggest roadblock to this for me is- I was a young mother at the age of 16 so I had never dated and to date I have still yet to actually go on a date.  I was very overweight and poured myself into my daughter's activities, school, etc.  So I have been pretty sheltered.  If I wasn't working 7 days a week to provide a private school education as a single parent I was at home which even if I had looked good then would not have provided me many opportunities to meet men. Basically as my friends tell me I have "no game".  Having "Fat Girl Syndrome" is tough because now I feel so great physically and everyone who knows me knows that I have been hard at work not only to develop my body and health but also to develop my self-esteem, learning self-acceptance.  With that being said I feel as though I look good, I am independent, free of children, smart, funny and I am socially capable of carrying myself in any situation.  So, I should be getting offers to go out, to go on an actual date, right?  I am frustrated that this isn't the case.  I mean I have had the pleasure of a few flirtations but nothing that actually comes to fruition.  When my friend told me that the person I had an interest in had no interest in me that was hard but then when the object of your interest also tells you many endearing qualities about another man that I could be interested in, well the ego took a hard blow.  After that I was ready to call it a night and go home.  My first instinct was to cry like I always do just because it hurt my feelings a little to try and be pawned off on someone else who is a nice guy but definitely not my type and if I were to settle for someone who I am not attracted to then I will have made no progress in who I am becoming. I did almost cry and head for the couch and the alcohol, but I was strong and refrained. 

Today all day I have been down, and not necessarily because the person I had a crush on isn't interested but because I feel as though I am changing physically and emotionally so how come no one of the male gender is asking me out or noticing me so that I am not so crushed by a little rejection from one person?  My main social outlet is work and everyone knows that finding a person at work is probably not the best idea.  I have tried an online dating site once but since I find rejection difficult from people I know, taking rejection from other poor souls searching for someone on the internet even more insulting.  I just cannot bring myself to do the online thing.  Honestly, I put myself out there on one of those sites and never got even one response/inquiry.  I decided to pay for rejection over the internet is an all time low that I do not care to revisit. 

I decided to lift my spirits I had better exercise and get out today.  I met with my friend Terisa at the park and walked 3 miles then later in the day I went to my Jazzercise class for two hours.  Here is where more frustration keeps creeping in.  I get very mad at myself that I cannot move around, get up off the floor and get down onto the floor, etc. with any better ease than I what I am able to do right now.  I feel as though I have lost nearly 100 pounds and my physical ability should be increasing.  Then to top it all off my knees continue to swell from overexertion.  I stay off of them for three days and still they are having a fit and swollen.  I still went anyway.  I am at my wits end with my knees and their swelling.  I can't get to goal if I have to continue to take so much time off for the swelling to go away.  If I am not moving I am not losing.  I can't and WON'T have it!  So, instead of a pick me up, exercising today just left me feeling more angry and depressed with myself. 

I hope that next week I can blog about happier things.  I am grateful that I have good friends and cousins who love me and are so supportive of me on a daily basis.  Learning to accept that I am still limited by my size not just physically but emotionally has been one of my toughest assignments on this journey.  I have a long way to go yet.  Have a great week everyone!  Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!